Introduction

Strength: The candidate attempts to paraphrase the question statement.

Corrected Statement: Celebrities experience both benefits and challenges in society, as they serve as role models for many.

The question statement is paraphrased more accurately to reflect the dual aspects of being a celebrity.

Body Paragraph 1

Strength: The candidate uses sentence connectors (to begin with, moreover, etc.) and employs appropriate vocabulary (success, popularity, famous superstar, admire, mindset, etc.).

Corrected Statement: To begin with, there are numerous benefits associated with being a celebrity. They often serve as role models for young people, who admire and seek to emulate them. Witnessing the success and popularity of their favorite celebrities, the youth tend to follow their examples, resulting in positive influences on society. For instance, Amir Khan, a renowned superstar, commands immense respect from the youth. Consequently, his actions and words carry considerable influence. In his show “Satyamev Jayate,” he highlighted various societal issues, encouraging young people to take action and bring about positive changes. Another prime example is Sachin Tendulkar, a celebrated sports icon, whose contributions have revolutionized the sporting world and earned admiration from the masses.

The corrected paragraph now clearly discusses the benefits of celebrities as role models and provides relevant examples to support the argument.

Body Paragraph 2

Strength: The candidate attempts to present ideas related to problems faced by celebrities.

Corrected Statement: However, celebrities also encounter several challenges in society. As public figures, they become susceptible to harm from malicious individuals within society. For instance, during a live performance, some singers have faced attacks from unruly members of the audience. Moreover, when a famous celebrity engages in inappropriate behaviors, such as public smoking or disregarding traffic rules, the media quickly spreads the news through various social channels, tarnishing their reputation.

The revised paragraph now focuses on the problems faced by celebrities, aligning with the topic of the essay.

Conclusion

Strength: The candidate provides a conclusive statement and uses a sentence connector.

Corrected Statement: In conclusion, being a celebrity entails both advantages and disadvantages. While they serve as role models and positively influence society, they also confront various challenges and risks to their reputation.

The conclusion is improved by summarizing the main points and restating the position on the topic.

Expected Band Score: Band 6

Overall, the candidate has made some improvements in presenting relevant ideas related to the benefits and problems faced by celebrities. However, there are still areas for further enhancement, such as maintaining consistent focus on the topic and refining grammar and vocabulary usage. With continued practice and attention to clarity and coherence, the candidate can aim for a higher band score.