Analysis of the IELTS Writing Task 2 Response:

Introduction:

Strength:

The candidate adequately paraphrased the question.

Corrected Erroneous Statements:

There is an overuse of “are” in the first statement, “rather than change” should be “rather than changing.” Additionally, “the change is always” should be “change is always.” The second statement can also include the aspect of “career.”

Paragraph 1:

Strength:

The candidate used sentence connectors (e.g., “to begin with,” “furthermore”) and employed a good range of vocabulary (e.g., “apparently,” “negative-minded”).

Corrected Erroneous Statements:

The candidate can use “people” instead of “the people,” and “won’t” should be “don’t.” The phrase “their activities” is not clear, and it should be specified which activities are being referred to. “They scared” should be “they are scared.” Instead of “the failures,” the candidate can simply use “failures.” The statement “the path, in where they succeeded” should be “from the path wherein they succeeded.” “They always find” can be “where they always find.” “Benifits” should be corrected to “benefits.” Additionally, “god” should be capitalized as “God.” The phrase “they suggests some to the others also” is unclear and needs revision. The candidate should avoid using contractions (e.g., “can’t”) and write “can not” instead. “Current society” can be replaced with “present society.” Moreover, the ideas presented are more general and lack examples to support them.

Paragraph 2:

Strength:

The candidate used sentence connectors (e.g., “moreover,” “in addition to that”) and displayed good vocabulary (e.g., “wonders,” “inspiration,” “leadership”).

Corrected Erroneous Statements:

The phrase “in their work, are very” should be “in their work are.” “Own talent” can be simply “talent.” “They always wants” should be “they always want.” The statement “because, they know, if they succeed they will be benifited and if they fail, they will learn from that failures” should be “because they know if they succeed, they will be benefited, and if they fail, they will learn from those failures.” Additionally, “Even though they too trust god, but after giving their full effort” should be “Even though they too trust God, but only after giving their full effort.” The phrase “this lives” should be “their lives,” and “because, they know” should be “because they know.” Furthermore, the ideas are again more general and lack specific examples.

Conclusion:

Strength:

The candidate used a sentence connector (e.g., “in conclusion”), and the conclusion of the essay is clear. Good word collocation (e.g., “very rapidly”) is also present.

Corrected Erroneous Statements:

The statement “their work, can change” should be “their work can change.” “While, who don’t want change in their lives, may demotivate the society” should be “While those who do not want change in their lives may demotivate the society.”

Overall, the candidate has adequately explained and extended their ideas relevant to the question, but the examples provided are too general. There are some mistakes related to punctuation, grammar, complex structure, and subject-verb agreement. However, the candidate’s opinion is clear and well-written.

Expected Band Score: Band 6.5